“No fault, no blame, nobody done no wrong- That’s just the way it sometimes goes. Sometimes two people just don’t get along, it’s time to hit the road. Goodbye, farewell, so long, vaya con dios. Good luck, wish you well, take it slow. Easy come girl, easy go.” George Strait
I’m thankful for song lyrics, for other’s ability to verbalize emotion and understanding because I am failing miserably. On Friday, June 19, 2020 the judge signed to finalize our divorce. This is without question the hardest blow I have ever endured: mind, body, and soul.
“Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down…”
I prayed for guidance over understanding, for opportunity over made plans, for unmistakable signs to follow and my God showed up in ways that only He can. Doors have opened that can only be credited to Him. Arrangements have fallen into place that would never work if it were up to me. God is 100% in control and makes his presence known every single day. Unfortunately, I’m human and fear has crept into my heart which leaves me feeling broken and weak. I just thought terminal disease was hard, turns out it can get worse, more debilitating, more isolating. Life is not for the faint of heart. Marriage is not easy. Depression is tangible and real.
Welcome to Sunny’s Pity Party, table for one?
Please know this above all else: I have nothing but love and well wishes for Kenneth. Our marriage ended in the “best case scenario” way that could only be orchestrated by a sovereign, loving God.
Also, it’s important to acknowledge the hardships involved in being a caregiver, especially in the dynamic of primary caregiver of a spouse. Promise me that you’ll encourage a caregiver in your life – whether it’s your own or someone you know that’s shouldering life while pouring into another person. We could all use some encouragement.
I always advise people that I meet in the ALS community to lean in – soak up the knowledge of this group, learn from others and we’re stronger together. Now it’s time to put my own advice to work in my newfound life. Easier said than done, but I’m trusting vulnerability over stubbornness.
I love everything Rick Jobus writes. It’s like he’s on the pulpit of life, preaching to the masses, and dictating every word to me.
“ALS is a purveyor of paralyzing loneliness. Even in a roomful of people the isolation from normalcy is often painfully palpable.”
Rick Jobus, Oh My God — I Have ALS!
I felt that excerpt in my bones. Same could most definitely be said about divorce – Painfully Palpable. I don’t have answers, only questions. I don’t have independence, only needs. I don’t have plans, only an open mind.
“Its been a hell of a year. How did you see, Who I was ain’t who I was gonna be? I could’ve been right, Was probably wrong, So many nights wishin’ I could go home. It’s been a hell of a year” Parker McCollum
All I know for certain is that I am able to share this because of the love and support y’all continue to pour over me. COVID be damned, hug me just as soon as you possibly can.